100 Eric x Alan One-shots!
by Marshallmallow
Summary: Exactly what it sounds like. Requests are open. You don't have to read them in chronological order. Rated M for language and lemons and trigger warnings. TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal references and self-harm references in Chapter 4, 7, 12, 14, and 21 and f-slur and bullying on Chapter 10. Review, please!
1. Red Tulips

**Hey guys! So requests might be a little slow because I'm currently working on a Hetalia lemon request. These are 100 one-shots!**

 **Here's little reason: I've actually been incredibly sick since December, 2014. Since I found this shipping pair (as of three days ago when I watched the musical and read a billion fanfictions) I've felt as if somebody understands my illness. Sure, I don't have Thorns of Death, nor am I fatally ill, although the illness is serious. It feels like somebody understands my frustration, what if feels like to be told that you're faking it and to feel so weak and useless. Here's to Alan and for the makers of Black Butler: The Most Beautiful Death In The World. Enjoy!**

 **-xAbnormalxAlphax**

* * *

Eric sat in Alan's living room, reading a book while Alan was in the kitchen. It seemed like Eric practically lived in Alan's house. They cuddled sometimes, too, while watching movies. They were just friends, though. Just friends.

Eric heard a cry of pain from the kitchen, and it was obvious it was from Alan. A million things raced through his mind.

 _No. Don't let it be today. No! Let me have at least one more day with him, please! Please, don't do this to me. Don't do this to him!_

Eric ran to the kitchen, seeing Alan clutching his chest and on his knees on the floor, crying out in pain. He was pale and had dark circles and had tears streaming down his face. He had been growing thinner and thinner each day due to his lack of appetite and his hair was thinning. He had never looked sicker as he did then. His breathing came out in shaky sobs.

"Alan!" Eric sat down next to Alan, holding him tightly. "Shh… Alan." That's all he could say. He couldn't tell him that it was alright, because it wasn't. He couldn't tell him that he'd be okay, because he wasn't going to be okay. He was slowly dying a very painful death.

"I-Isn't it… ironic?" Alan tried his best to speak. "A lord of death, an immortal being… dying."

"Don't speak, Alan. Don't speak right now," he spoke softly as he gently stroked Alan's hair.

Alan nodded, then was hit with another wave of pain, his body practically convulsing. He buried his face in Eric's shoulder, screaming and crying out and weeping.

Soon, the pain began to die down to a dull stabbing. Alan still held tightly to Eric, and Eric to Alan. Alan heard Eric sniffle, and he looked up to see Eric, silent and with tears all down his face.

"I was so scared, Alan," Eric finally spoke. "I thought… I thought that…"

"I know, Eric. I thought that, too. Don't cry for me, Eric. I want you to be happy." Alan's green eyes were huge and tear-filled.

"And I want you to be healthy." Eric's voice was not loud, but filled with intensity.

The room fell almost silent, except for the sound of sniffling. Eric stroked Alan's thinning hair, looking into his eyes. "Alan… Can I say something crazy?" Alan nodded. "Well… I don't know how to say this. I suppose I'll say this in the language of flowers. Red tulips."

"Red tulips?" Alan cocked his head. "You mean… declaration of love?"

"Yes," Eric flinched like he was about to be slapped. He looked like he had suggested something radical, insane, controversial or perhaps awful.

"Oh, Eric." Alan smiled in his typical way; his eyes widened and his thin lips curled into an excited grin. It was innocent and child-like. "I love you, too."

"You do?" Eric eyes went wide.

"Of course."

Eric kissed Alan passionately, yet gently and chastely, cupping his cheek in his large hand. Alan reached up, petting Eric's soft hair, running his fingers along the braids he had always been so fascinated with. Alan set his head on Eric's shoulder, and Eric put his head on Alan's head.

Soon, Alan had fallen asleep. He normally got so tired after the attacks of Thorns of Death. Eric lifted his skinny no-longer-just-friend and stood, holding him close to him. Eric carried Alan upstairs, setting him on his bed. Eric then pulled up a chair by the bed and began to read.


	2. Loneliness

Alan sat down at his desk in his apartment while Eric was at work. William had insisted that Alan retire. So did Eric. So he did, and he spent his days at home. He cooked, cleaned and took pain medication although they did nothing. He was often lonely.

He decided to write poetry, like he often did. He had nothing to do in his last few days, after all.

 _Death is interesting_

 _I have ended many lives_

 _Yet, I am afraid_

 _Death is interesting_

 _It's as if you're saying "bye"_

 _But for forever_

He sighed. He had thought so much about death. He didn't want to think about it anymore. He tore out the sheet and began writing another poem, a haiku, like the last one.

 _I love you, my sweet_

 _You've blessed me with kindness and_

 _You've made me complete_

 _You've_ _shown me the way_

 _To the beauty inside me_

 _I couldn't see, love_

He found himself crying, a tear-drop landing on the page. He was so lonely. He had Eric, but Eric went to work very early and came back very late and they rarely had time together anymore. So Alan put on his coat and walked out into the blustery winter. Sure, Eric had told him that he should not leave the house alone, being so ill and all, but he needed to leave. He was on a mission.

When he returned, he was holding a pet-carrier. In that pet-carrier was a tiny kitten. The woman said that she was ill and there was really no point in adopting her because she was soon to pass away in a year or so. Alan didn't care. He knew how vital it was to have somebody to love in your last dying hours. He was also carrying kitten food and a food and a water bowl. Not only that, but he had bought a litter box and a container of kitty litter. All of this was hard for him to carry, but he didn't care.

He set the carrier down, opening the cage. He then hung up his coat and hat and removed his boots, revealing his t-shirt, jeans and green socks. He watched as the small Siamese kitten who was quite thin sniffed the air.

"You must be hungry, honey," he spoke quietly. He set out a bowl of water and another bowl with kitten food. "I need a name for you. Maybe Eric will help name you."

The cat looked up at him. Alan smiled. "Eric? He's my boyfriend. He doesn't technically live here, but he's often here. You'll love him. I think he'll be lonely pretty soon, so maybe you can help him."

Alan sat down in front of the cat, who was clearly hesitant to go near him. "Hello. I'm not scary, I promise. I'm quite weak, in fact, and I'm anything but scary." He held his hand out for the cat to sniff, and the cat ended up nudging his hand instead. "Aw…" He paused, then sighed. "I'm sorry. You're used to being called cute, aren't you? Cute and weak, huh? But you're not. You're really brave."

Just then, Eric walked in, bringing the cold outdoors with him. He was covered in snow. Instantly, he noticed the cat. "Who's this?"

"She doesn't have a name yet."

"Why did you get a cat?"

"I got lonely."

"You got lonely?"

"I got lonely."

Eric's face fell. "She's so thin."

"She's dying of cancer."

"And you adopted her?"

Alan nodded. "Of course. She needs love, doesn't she? It doesn't matter if she's dying or not. She needs love. Why don't you come up with a name for her?"

Eric looked at her for a bit. "Lily."

"Lily?"

"Yes. She looks like a Lily to me."

"Aw. That's sweet. Lily it is, then," Alan grinned.

"Can I pet her?"

"Of course."

Eric smiled softly, sitting down next to Alan. He reached his hand out to the cat, who sniffed him, then licked him. He gently stroked from it's head to it's back. "She's beautiful."

"Isn't she?"

Eric nodded. "You got lonely."

"Yes."

"Is it because I'm never around?"

Alan sighed. "You're just always at work. It's not your fault, though."

"I should be looking after you. You're ill. Maybe I should take a paid vacation to care for you."

"For how long?" When Eric didn't respond, Alan got quiet. "Until I die, right?"

"Yeah…" Eric nodded a bit. Tears began to well up in his eyes just thinking about it.

"Don't cry. We still have time," Alan tried. Lily crawled on Eric's lap and sat down.

"Alan…," Eric practically wept. "I don't have the right to be the one crying, Alan. You're the one that's ill."

"But I won't be around for a while. Once I'm dead, I won't feel pain. You will, though."

Eric wept into his hands. Lily crawled off of Eric's lap, and began exploring the house, almost as if to leave Eric and Alan alone. "I'll be so empty without you, Alan. I've lived so long with you… I don't know what I'll do."

"I want you to be happy, Eric," Alan spoke quietly. "I want you to go on and live your life. I want you to find somebody new when you're ready. I want you to move on, yet never forget about me."

Eric nodded a bit, tears streaming down his face. "I don't know if I can move on."

"I want you to try to be happy, Eric."

"I will try."

Alan kissed Eric on the cheek, then held tightly to him. It seemed like Alan was getting thinner and thinner by each day. "I love you, Eric."

"I love you, too."


	3. Eric's Plan (Lemon, trigger warning)

**TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of suicidal thoughts and plans and mentions of self-harm. If you are easily triggered, please do not read.**

* * *

Eric came home after a long day at work, tired. However, what he saw when he walked in made him blush a bit and grin. There was a trail of rose petals, clearly leading to the bedroom. He removed his tie, throwing it to the ground, removing his blazer and beginning to unbutton his vest, then his shirt quickly as he fast-walked to the bedroom. The lights were off and candles sat on Alan's desk and on the nightstand. On the bed lay Alan wearing just gray boxer-briefs and glasses and clearly having an erection. Alan was blushing quite a bit.

"What took you so long? All I had was myself and my thoughts."

The thought sent shivers down Eric's spine. Alan. All alone. By himself. Touching himself. He tossed his vest somewhere unknown, then untucked his shirt and threw it to the ground. Eric grinned, his lips meeting Alan's gently. Eric started rubbing at one of Alan's hardened nipples, causing Alan to hum softly into the kiss. Eric pinned Alan to the bed, unbuckeling his own belt and tossing it to the side, then stripping himself of everything. He then clumsily removed Alan's underwear in a desperate and frantic frenzy.

"Eric... You really need this, don't you?" Alan grinned, removing his glasses and setting them on the nightstand.

Eric nodded a bit as he grabbed the strawberry lube and the condom that Alan had put on the nightstand. He first spread Alan's legs, then coated his fingers in a layer of lubricant. He looked to Alan with huge eyes. "May I?"

Alan nodded, removing Eric's glasses, too, and setting them on the nightstand. Eric then gently pushed in a finger, causing Alan to bite his lip.

"Are you alright, love?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Eric smiled softly, curling the finger and gently moving it back and forth before slipping in another, then eventually another. Alan was red in the face and half-blind due to his lack of glasses, but the lack of ability to see almost made it sexier. He had to really trust Eric, and he definitely did.

Eric moved his fingers gently, stretching and moving through muscle. Alan's body was so warm and tight; Eric was sure to have fun tonight.

"Nngh... E-Eric..." Alan bit his lip. "Please... hurry..."

Eric nodded a bit, slipping his fingers out and rolling on the condom, lubricating himself. He then lined himself up. "Ready?"

"Yes. Please do it, Eric."

Eric grunted slightly as he gently pushed in all the way. Alan smiled lovingly, his lips gently meeting Eric's as Eric slowly began to thrust. Alan ran his fingers through the soft and thick blonde hair. Eric's goatee rubbed at Alan's face, and he absolutely loved it. Everything was so intoxicating; The scent of Eric's cologne, the feel of Eric's beard, the feeling of Eric deep inside him and the love he felt for Eric.

"Nn... Eric... I love you," Alan said, beaming. Suddenly, something caught his attention. He noticed scars scrawled across Eric's wrists. "Eric, sweetie, pull out."

Eric didn't question it. He obediently pulled out. "What's wrong, Alan?"

Alan wordlessly took Eric's wrist in his hand. He gently ran his thumb over one of the scars, causing Eric to wince in pain. "Eric. What are these?"

"Alan, I..."

"You did this to yourself."

"Alan, I can explain."

"You did this to yourself," Alan repeated. "Eric... Why?"

Eric felt hot tears well up in his eyes. "Alan... I just keep thinking about you. About how sick you are and how there's nothing I can do. I'm angry with myself, Alan. I feel like I don't spend enough time with you. I never know when you're going to die, yet I'm always at work and not spending time with you. I can't take it, Alan."

Alan pressed his head against Eric's chest, kissing Eric's chest softly. Eventually, Eric spoke again. "I have a plan, Alan."

"A plan?"

"Yes. I plan to kill myself after you die."

"Eric, no."

Eric began to cry. "Alan, I'm nothing without you. What am I supposed to do without you? You mean everything to me. I just can't imagine living without you."

"Eric... Eric, get dressed."

"Why?"

"You're going to stay with somebody who I know can watch over you."

"But then I won't be able to watch over you!"

"Fine. But I'm telling the other shinigami. I don't want you hurting yourself at work. I won't allow you to be alone anymore," Alan had huge green eyes. He looked like he was about to cry with the idea of his love hurting himself.

"Please, Alan!"

"No! You won't be alone, Eric. The last thing I want is for you to be hurting yourself, let alone killing yourself. Please. I want you to be happy. Please, obey my wishes," Alan tried.

Eric finally nodded, agreeing. "If that's what you wish, Alan. I'll do anything to make you happy. You know I'd cure you if I could."

"Of course you would."

"I'd do anything."

"I know."

Eric kissed Alan's forehead gently. "You should get some sleep, Alan. You need rest."

"I'll call tomorrow and tell the shinigami to watch out for you."

"Alan?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"Of course," Alan smiled softly. Soon, he was asleep in Eric's chest.

Eric smiled softly. "I love you, Alan."


	4. Snow

Late into the night, the snow fell harshly to the ground in thick layers. Each snowflake was about an inch in diameter. The thick white blanket covered the grass that he knew was underneath. Soon after the winter, the flowers would bloom, yet that seemed unrealistic. Would the flowers really bloom after the winter ends? Will the winter ever end?

Eric sat by the window on his desk chair and watched the snow fall and asked himself pointless questions as Alan lay in the bed, curled into a ball. He watched Alan sleeping, his chest rising up and down gently. He was pale, almost greenish gray and had dark circles under his eyes. His face was gaunt. He wore just boxers, and you could see his ribs through his skin.

 _I feel so alone in this world. I have Alan, but he won't be here much longer. Each night I literally pray that he won't die in his sleep. I'm not religious, but if there is a god, I'm not taking the risk of not praying. I must do everything in my power to help Alan._

He sighed, taking off his glasses and cleaning them on his t-shirt before placing them back on his nose and ears.

 _What is my purpose in life? To help Alan until he dies? Then, do I have a purpose after he dies?_

Alan stirred in his sleep, whimpering quietly. His brow was furrowed and he was shaking. Eric curled back into bed, holding Alan close. Alan's face instantly relaxed and he gripped at Eric tightly.

 _Perhaps this is my only purpose. Perhaps the reason I'm alive is to love Alan and to keep him company while he's dying._

Eric felt hot tears sting his eyes and he held Alan tighter, as if keeping him close would prevent him from dying.

 _I suppose I have no purpose after he dies. Why should I continue to live after he dies?_

Alan whimpered in his sleep. "Eric… Help…" Eric's eyes widened. Alan had total fear on his face. "Eric… Help me…"

"Alan," Eric tried to wake him up gently by saying his name and stroking his hair. "Alan, I'm right here." When Alan didn't wake up, he tried again, but louder. "Alan! Sweetie, it's okay. I'm here. Wake up."

Alan's eyes fluttered open, and he held to Eric tightly, beginning to sob. "Oh, Eric… I had a dream that I was dying… I kept calling for you… but you were at work and couldn't hear me."

Eric felt more tears spring to his eyes and they began pouring over his cheeks. "Alan… I'll be there for you when the time comes. I'll be with you. I swear. I promise, Alan."

"Are you sure? I could die tomorrow… And you have work tomorrow."

"You won't die tomorrow."

Alan sighed. "How do you know that?"

"Because I said so."

"But-"

"Go to bed, sweetie," Eric kissed Alan on the cheek. "I'll protect you tonight."

"Goodnight, Eric," Alan smiled, curling up next to Eric's warm chest.

"I love you, Alan."

"I love you, too, Eric."


	5. Wordless

Eric awoke around three in the morning to look see a candle lit and Alan in front of the mirror, wearing only a pair of boxers. Eric slipped on his glasses, watching Alan.

Alan observed himself in the mirror through his thick glasses. He ran his fingers across his protruding ribs, trailing down his body and setting his hands on his hips that grotesquely jutted out. He then poked his gaunt face, sad when the skin didn't bounce back as fast as it should have. He rubbed a finger into the dark circles under his eyes, as if that could cause the darkness to go away, then grazed his cheek bones that stuck out, angular and aggressive. Alan looked like a skeleton with skin. He touched his thinning hair, watching as a small ashy brown clump fell to the floor. Alan's body may have been alive for the most part, but he certainly was not. When he began to sob, Eric stood and walked over to him.

Eric held the man gently, as if holding him too tightly would cause him to shatter. That was always Eric's fear. What if he were to hurt Alan in some way, on accident of course? What if one day, he hugged him too hard and Alan just snapped in half? Of course, it was irrational, but to Eric, the fear was very real.

Eric's warm body was armor to Alan's icy body. Eric kissed Alan's forehead gently, then pressed his cheek to Alan's cheek. Although Alan's body was grotesque and emaciated, maybe even disturbing, Eric still thought he was beautiful. It didn't matter what Alan looked like. It really didn't. He was Alan. He was sweet and sensitive and he cared for everyone, including humans. Eric had always admired him.

Alan smiled weakly. Everything about him was weak. He could no longer open bottles himself, nor jars, and he got winded climbing up stairs. Little things made him cry, too. If they were out of milk for his cereal, if he was tired or if his favorite sweater got too big on him, he'd cry. Everything about him was fragile.

Tears fell down Alan's cheeks. He got so frustrated sometimes. He was weak. Everybody knew it. He had retired and all he did all day was lie in bed. He needed something to do. He needed to live again.

Alan buried his head into Eric's chest and loud racking sobs followed, his chest heaving. He shook and held close to Eric. Eric would shield him from the world. He would be his bodyguard. He would hide the world from Alan and Alan from the world.

Eric blew out the candle that Alan had lit. He then gently took Alan's hand and led him back to the bed. They both slipped their glasses off of their faces, setting them on the nightstand. There, the cuddled, but neither of them slept for the rest of the night.

* * *

 **Alright, so I wanted to talk a little bit more about this series and what this stuff means. I've been sick for a very long time, since December, actually. It feels like Alan understands, and I understand Alan. Granted, I'm probably not fatally ill, but I do get frustrated with my illness. My appearance has changed and I have struggled with feeling weak, both physically and mentally. Well, then who's Eric? Well, a lot of people are Eric in my life. My mother is Eric. My sister is Eric. My friend Michael is Eric. They've all struggled with being sick. My mother has struggled with physical illness, my sister, mental, and Michael... Well, we've all struggled with being sick to some degree. But of course, they don't understand exactly. Well, how could they? I don't blame them. But they try to understand and they try to comfort me when things like me crying at three in the morning occur. To all the Erics in my life, I love you.**

 **-Grayson**


	6. The Sketchbook (Trigger warning)

**TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self-harm, suicide, and suicidal thoughts. Please do not read if you are easily triggered.**

* * *

Alan had read all of the books on Eric's bookshelves, which honestly, weren't much. Eric was not much of a reader, and his bookshelf was mainly filled with sketchbooks and how-to-draw books. Alan had grown bored of The Beauties of England and Wales, An Easy Grammar of Geography and The Anatomy of Man, so he began sifting through Eric's sketchbooks that day. Eric's art was truly beautiful. On the first page was a picture of Alan, healthy and young, wearing his shinigami uniform and holding a death scythe. How long ago was this picture drawn?

The next page was a picture of Alan, yet again, but this time, with his hair ruffled and his face splotchy and holding a drink and wearing a Christmas hat. It was from the Christmas office party years ago, Alan could tell. How long had Eric had an interest in him?

This sketchbook was filled with mainly Alan, all happy or peaceful and calm pictures. Some included flowers, others Alan, and one, Eric's death scythe. Alan found the next sketchbook, then the next, all similar subject. However, the fifth sketchbook wasn't as happy as the others. The subjects included skulls, dead birds, wilting flowers and...Alan, yet again. But this time, Alan looked ill, similar to how he looked while he dug through Eric's sketchbooks. His eyes were sunken in and he had charcoal bags under them, too. His face was gaunt and his body was thin. This one happened to feature Alan sleeping, wearing just boxers. When did Eric draw this one?

As Alan continued sifting through the drawings, he grew...disturbed. Or perhaps the word was worried. Afraid? Maybe all three. All the pages showed graphic violence, blood dripping from wrists, corpses, and… Alan dropped the sketchbook, his hand over his mouth, his eyes welling up with tears. There, on the page, was a detailed picture of Eric's body hanging from a noose by his neck. His whole body dangled, tears down his face and blood dripping from his slit wrists. He couldn't stand to look at it anymore. He shut the sketchbook, placing it back on the shelf. He hurried back to the couch he was previously sitting at, shaking and trying not to cry anymore. He wiped his tears, sure that Eric would be returning soon.

Right then, Eric walked through the door, holding a few paper grocery bags. "Hello, Alan! I bought new books for you."

"Oh. Thank you, Eric."

"What's wrong, love?" Eric seemed to try to search Alan's face. "Something's wrong. What happened?"

Alan began to sob.

"Love! Oh, tell me what's happened!"

"Eric… Please don't do it," Alan barely muttered.

"Do what?" Eric's face was filled with false confusion.

"You know what I'm talking about," Alan said sternly. "I saw your sketchbook. I saw that picture you drew. The one of you hanging by your neck from a rope tied to a tree."

"You were snooping through my sketchbooks?!"

Alan clenched his fists as he came to a standing position, getting close to Eric's face. "That's not the point, Eric! You drew a disturbing picture of your corpse, that's the point!" Alan's face suddenly melted into tears. "Don't do it, Eric. Don't do it."

"Alan…"

Alan held tightly to Eric, sobbing. His voice was practically a shout, now. "Don't do it, Eric! Don't do it!"

"Alan. You're getting hysterical. I don't want you to have an attack."

"You're avoiding the topic! Eric, I love you! I don't want you dead!"

"Well, you won't even know when I'm dead!" Eric snapped.

"What…?"

Eric sighed, running a hand through his hair as Alan stepped back, watching Eric's every move. "Alan, I'll stay alive until you're dead. I'm sorry. There's nothing you can do to stop me."

"Eric!"

"No, Alan. Stop it. You don't control what I do."

"Eric, I need you! I need you to stay alive!" Alan's voice was very loud now, his voice cracking, almost going out.

"I'll stay alive until you no longer are. Then I'll be dead."

"Eric… Eric…," Alan sobbed more. "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"Alan, please. I can't take this life much longer. I'll have no purpose without you."

"You're a shinigami, Eric," Alan spoke quietly. "Your purpose in life is to collect souls. Is that not enough for you?"

"No," Eric's voice was barely above a whisper. "It's not enough for me. I need more of a purpose then just my job."

Silence coated the room and Alan snuggled close into Eric's warm chest. They stood there like that for a bit, Alan trying not to sob. Eventually, Alan spoke again. "Eric?"

"Yes, love?"

"You know that I'm going to tell the other shinigami to watch out for you after I die, right?"

Eric nodded. "I know."

"That means that William-senpai and Grell-senpai will be watching out for you. You probably won't be allowed to close your office door. You may even have somebody watch you at all times."

"I know."

"You probably hate me for that," Alan sniffled.

"No. I don't hate you for that. I love you for that."

"I love you too, Eric."


	7. Insomnia

Alan shot up out of bed, gasping. His nightmare had been terribly vivid. He had watched himself die, screaming and alone. Nobody was there. His life had flashed before his eyes, and it seemed like in every scene, was Eric. The day he met Eric, his first collecting of a soul and how he cried and Eric cared for him, the day he was diagnosed with Thorns of Death and Eric sobbed. Yet, when he died, Eric could not be there.

His heart was racing, and he was afraid that it would cause an attack. Tearfully and shakily, he looked around, realizing that Eric was not sleeping next to him. He stood, wearing a t-shirt and pajama pants. He wandered through the house before he found Eric sitting at the kitchen table, sipping a glass of bourbon and sketching.

"What are you drawing, Eric?"

"Alan? You're awake?" Eric glanced at his watch. "It's three in the morning. What are you doing awake?"

"Nightmare."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No, not really. What are you doing awake?"

"I couldn't sleep. I thought that maybe a glass of bourbon might help me sleep, but… I decided to draw, too, and I finally said, 'To hell with sleep! I'm not sleeping tonight.' And that's why I'm drawing at three in the morning."

Alan watched as Eric continued to draw, his hand gently dancing over the page. "What are you drawing?"

"Flowers," Eric spoke quietly as he worked.

"What flower is it?"

"Ah, I don't know the name. Maybe you'll know. You know flowers." Eric held up a half-drawn picture of a group of flowers. It clearly wasn't shaded yet.

"Oh, those are foxgloves. They're beautiful, aren't they?"

"Yeah… Say, Alan, why are they called foxgloves?"

"It comes from the phrase 'folk's glove.' A folk is a fairy. They're fairy gloves," Alan smiled innocently, clearly excited about simply things.

"That's… really cute," Eric smiled softly.

"Definitely," Alan beamed. "Oh, Eric, have you heard of fairy gardens?"

"Fairy gardens?"

"Yes. People will make little gardens for fairies, complete with paths and small flowers and tiny wheelbarrows and small houses," Alan spoke softly.

"Alan?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to start a fairy garden? The two of us, I mean."

"I would love that." Alan smiled as he sat next to Eric at the table. "I've always loved your drawings. I'm awful at drawing, really."

"I think your drawings are cute."

"Stick figures."

"They're cute."

Alan rolled his eyes.

"Besides, your poetry is really beautiful," Eric smiled softly. "At least the poetry you've showed me. I'm sure there's a lot that you haven't shared with me. I'm sure there is, and that's okay. There's a lot of my drawings and sketches I haven't showed you."

"Like what?" Alan cocked his head slightly.

"All sorts of things. Some I simply didn't like how they turned out, and I'm embarrassed about how they turned out, so I'd never show you. Sometimes they're… they're dark. And you don't need any more darkness in your life."

Alan now looked concerned. "What kind of dark things?"

"Dead birds, mainly. Dying birds, too. Wilting flowers… Old beaten-up chairs and suit-jackets… Rusty nails and… and… sometimes, well…"

"Yeah?"

"Sometimes I draw about religion."

"I've never known you to be a religious man, Eric."

Eric shook his head. "I'm not. Well, at least I thought I wasn't. God, I don't know. Sometimes I think… If God exists, he's an asshole. Other times I think… if God exists, maybe if I pray hard enough… Maybe if I pray hard enough, I can save you."

"Eric, we both know that nothing can save me now."

Eric felt hot tears spring to his eyes, much against his permission. Alan wiped a tear away, smiling weakly. "Don't cry, Eric. Promise me… Promise me that when I die, you'll take care of yourself. Promise me that when I die, you'll start a family and find a new love. Don't forget about me, but don't let my death haunt the rest of your life. Move on. Be happy. Don't mourn for me for too long."

Eric shook his head. "Alan, you know I can't promise you that."

"Please try."

Eric nodded a bit. "I'll try. I really will try to be happy. No matter what it takes, I'll try to stay positive. But you know I won't always be positive."

"I know, sweetie. I know. I know… I think the hardest part of this is not losing my life, but losing you."

"I love you, Alan. I will repeat for all of eternity. I love you, Alan. I will always love you."

"And I will always love you, Eric. If there is an afterlife for shinigami, I will watch you. I will guide you if I can. I will protect you."

Eric held Alan, trying to hold back sobs. "I love you, Alan."

"I love you, too."


	8. Honeymoon (Lemon)

They had just gotten married, and Eric had cried during the wedding. It was really rather cute, at least Alan thought so. As soon as they got into their honeymoon hotel, though, everything had changed. Eric pinned Alan to the wall, passionately kissing him and forcing his lips to Alan's. Eric's large hands cupped Alan's thin cheeks and Alan's fragile hands stroked Eric's blonde hair. Eric grinded against Alan, both of them moaning. Almost as soon as possible, the two of them were completely naked and on the bed, Eric on top. Alan was moaning as Eric bit and kissed at his neck. Alan then noticed that Eric had the most common genital piercing: The Prince Albert. Alan blushed a lot. Soon, Eric noticed.

"Are you embarrassed, love?"

"No... just... You have... a piercing..."

Eric chuckled softly. "So I do."

"Is it true that it makes it more...sensitive?"

Eric nodded. "Very much so." Before Alan could say more, Eric was kissing passionately at Alan's neck.

"Ah... E-Eric... Mmm..." Alan bit his lip as Eric began nibbling at his love's nipple. "Eric...I love you..." That's all he could say. All other words had escaped his mind.

Eric chuckled softly, his hot breath on Alan's body. He trailed kisses, licks and nibbles lower and lower before planting a kiss on Alan's erection. He then trailed his tongue from base to tip very, very slowly, causing Alan to sigh softly, causing Eric to feel himself grow harder.

"E-Eric... don't tease, I really need to feel you inside me..." This made Eric instantly reach for the lubricant, putting a thicker layer of lube on his fingers. Alan spread his legs, causing Eric to bite his lip at what he say. A perfect pink hole, then his balls, soft and of average size, and then his beautiful erection. Eric wanted to take it in his mouth right then, but that would have to wait for later.

He looked up at Alan with loving eyes. "Are you ready, Alan?"

Alan nodded. "Please."

Eric pushed in one finger, causing Alan to bite his lip, his brow furrowed. "Are you alright, love?" Eric asked as he kissed Alan sweetly.

"Y-Yeah..."

"Do you want for me to wait a bit?"

"No. Keep going," Alan's green eyes were huge and he chewed on his bottom lip.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

Eric nodded a bit, gently moving his finger back and forth before pushing in a second, allowing the two fingers to push through muscle. He constantly watched Alan's face, watching for signs of pain. "Can I push in a third?"

"Mhm." Alan nodded a bit, so Eric pushed in a third finger, causing Alan to moan quite loudly on accident.

Eric smiled softly, gently rubbing different areas and building up a slow and steady rhythm. Once Alan was begging for more that they both knew fingers could not give, Eric slipped his fingers out. He lubricated himself, his lips going tight with the gentle movements of his own hand. He then crawled on top of Alan, lining himself up. "Are you ready, honey?"

Alan nodded. Slowly, Eric began to push in, causing Alan to hold close to Eric's body. One Eric was halfway in, he paused. "You're alright, right?"

"Yeah. How far are you in?"

"Halfway."

Alan smiled a bit with excitement. "Please continue, Eric."

Eric pushed in all the way, very slowly. "Nn... Alan..."

After a minute or so of them kissing and Eric keeping his hips still, Alan spoke. "You can move now, Eric."

Eric nodded, slowly thrusting his hips as he licked and kissed at Alan's neck. He found himself moaning softly and breathily into Alan's neck. Alan wrapped his arms around Eric's neck, arching his neck toward Eric to recieve more kissing. "Nnn... Eric, more..."

Alan was practically squirming with desperation. Eric reached down, suddenly giving Alan's needy erection a tight squeeze, causing Alan to yelp a bit in surprise.

"Ah! Eric... Mm..." Alan bit his lip as Eric began speeding up his hips. "More...faster... Eric, please..."

Eric began speeding up, rubbing at Alan's erection, the other hand keeping him up. "A-Alan... Mm... I love you..."

"Eric... Eric..." Alan was panting, gripping at Eric's warm and muscular body. "Eric, yes!" Alan cried out with Eric finally found the perfect spot.

Eric smiled to himself, pushing in deeper and faster. "Ah~... Alan..."

"Eric, more! More, there! Yes, yes, right there!" Alan grinded his hips against Eric's as hard as he could.

"Ungh! A-Alan! Yes!"

Alan felt a sudden warmth fill his lower abdomen. "Aaah! Eric, I... I...!"

Eric nodded in an unspoken was of saying that he was close, too. All he could do was raggedly breathe on Alan's neck, gasping and panting.

"Eric.. Eric... I love... I love you!"

"I... I love you too, sweetie... Mm! Ah... Ah... Alan!"

Almost at the same time, they both came, gripping eachother and crying out eachother's names passionately. As they relaxed, they looked into each other's eyes passionately. Eric gently pulled out, causing Alan to whimper softly. Eric immediately locked eyes with Alan.

"Love, are you alright?"

"Yeah..."

"No you aren't. What's wrong?"

"You're just... kind of large, I think."

"I'm sorry, love," Eric spoke softly, the kissed Alan on the cheek. Eric curled up next to Alan.

"It's alright. It was worth it." Alan smiled, his thin lips stretching gently. Everything about him was beautiful and perfect and amazing. He pulled the blanket over them, then latched onto Eric's warm body. Slowly, the two of them fell asleep, holding each other.


	9. Turn Away (Cancer by MCR Songfic)

Alan lay on the bed, trembling softly. Eric sat by him, watching after him, watching his love die. They sat in silence for a while. What could they say? All they could do is feel each other's presence, the soft and silent recognition of each other's love. Eric watched as people walked on the sidewalk through the window.

 _Turn away_

 _If you could get me a drink_

 _Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded_

Alan suddenly began sobbing and clutching his chest, his breathing going ragged. "Eric… don't look at me."

"A-Alan? Why shouldn't I look at you?"

 _Call my Aunt Marie_

 _Help her gather all my things_

"I don't want you to watch me. You don't deserve this."

"Alan… Alan, I…" What could Eric say? Alan was falling apart at the seams and there was nothing he could do but watch. So why wouldn't Alan allow him at least that?

 _And bury me_

 _In all my favorite colors_

 _My sisters and my brothers_

"Eric… I love you," Alan coughed weakly. His breathing was getting shakier and his whole body seemed to be going even weaker.

"Alan… Alan, what's going on?" Eric wasn't stupid. He knew exactly what was happening.

Alan ran a hand through his thinning hair. "Eric, what do you mean? I'm dying. It's as simple as that. You know that."

"Not now, though...right?"

 _Still, I will not kiss you_

 _'Cause the hardest part of this_

 _Is leaving you_

"Eric, please don't watch," Alan's eyes were huge and he clutched his chest tightly. He cried out in pain, his whole body shaking and thrashing.

Eric felt hot tears hit his eyes. He didn't care about showing his tears anymore. "Alan… Alan, I'm here for you. Forever and always, I will be with you."

 _Now turn away_

 _'Cause I'm awful just to see_

 _'Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body_

Alan suddenly clutched his chest, weakly crying out in pain, gasping and shaking. Eric sat next to Alan, holding him close to his warm body. Eric stroked what was left of Alan's brown hair, whispering soft "I love you"s and "Don't leave me"s.

 _All my agony_

 _Know that I will never marry_

 _Baby I'm just soggy from the chemo_

 _But counting down the days to go_

"Alan, please don't leave me." Eric began to sob and shake as he clutched tightly to Alan's half-alive body. "Please... I need you. You are the light of my life. You bring meaning into a life that didn't have any meaning. Without you, what am I to do?"

"Eric... You know I'm trying to stay alive. But at the same time, it's time. It's my time, Eric."

 _It just ain't livin'_

 _And I just hope you know_

Alan cried out in pain one last time. Suddenly, he stopped crying out in pain, yet Eric felt Alan's beat rapidly beating somehow. "Alan… Alan?"

"Eric… It doesn't hurt anymore."

 _That if you say_

 _Goodbye today_

 _I'd ask you to be true_

"No… No! Alan! Please! Don't… don't leave me."

"Eric… I love you."

 _'Cause the hardest part of this_

 _Is leaving you_

Those were the last words that Alan had said. Almost immediately, Eric replied. "I love you, too. I will always love you, Alan!" Alan slowly fell limp in Eric's arm, causing Eric to scream in agony and misery. "Alan!"

 _'Cause the hardest part of this_

 _Is leaving you_

* * *

 ** _Obviously, this wasn't chapter 100. Don't worry, it's not over. It's just that these oneshots aren't in any sort of order, nor are they related to each other._**


	10. Thank You, Alan (Trigger warning)

**TRIGGER WARNING: F-slur, bullying**

 **Hey guys! This chapter officially means that I'm a tenth of the way through with this. This is one of my favorite Eric x Alan headcanons. Eric being bullied. This chapter features a flashback/dream at the very beginning. Please enjoy!**

 **~Grayson**

* * *

Eric wore his thick circular glasses, the ones that all training shinigami had to wear. He walked down the halls, his books clutched tightly to his chest. Eric was a nerd. Not only did he have headgear and stupid curtained bangs, but to top it all off, he had a crush on a boy a year younger named Alan. It was utterly embarrassing and the worst years of his life.

Suddenly, he was booked, his books and notebooks sliding across the floor and an older and much stronger boy pinned him against the wall, clutching his collar.

"Please! I… I just want to get to class! I mean no harm!" Eric tried.

"Shut it, faggot and give me the answers to the exam."

"I can't do that."

The older boy lifted Eric up by his collar a few inches off the ground, causing Eric to sputter and gasp a bit as his collar was tightened around his neck. "That wasn't a request, fag, it was a demand."

"Please don't call me that. I-I can tutor you! But I can't give you the answers. It's against the rules, see, and we could get kicked out if we break a rule such as that," Eric was trying his best to squirm free, but the older boy was way too strong.

Sudden, Eric was let down back to the safety of the floor, but before he could celebrate, his hair was grabbed. He was dragged through the hallways and out the first door to the parking lot. There, Eric was punched directly in the face.

"Now, you can give me the answers or you can suffer the consequences."

"I won't give you the answers!" And of course, Eric suffered the consequences. He was first kneed in the groin, causing him to fall to his knees, crying out in pain. "Help!"

"Don't make a sound. Cooperate and this will be faster and easier."

"Please!" Eric tried yet again.

The boy kicked Eric in the stomach and Eric coughed and sputtered, unable to cry out for help. As soon as he got enough air, he screamed as loud as he could. No words in specific, but a loud and long scream that would hopefully get somebody's attention.

Eric shot up in bed, shaking and crying. When he realized that he was still screaming, he shut up as fast as possible as to not wake Alan, who was lying next to him. However, he had already woken up Alan, who was now sitting upright next to Eric, rubbing his back up and down and watching Eric with huge green eyes.

"A-Alan…" Eric whimpered. Eric rarely slept, and when he did, he had awful nightmares.

"What was this one about?" Alan petted Eric's blonde hair softly.

"Back when we were teenagers."

"The boy, the older one? The things he called you… The things he did to you?"

Eric nodded shakily. "Y-Yeah."

"He was executed for his crimes, remember? He's not going to hurt you anymore," Alan tried. He wiped a tear away from Eric's cheek.

"I know…"

"You won't be able to get back to sleep tonight, will you?"

"Probably not."

Alan sighed. "I wish you slept more than you did. I'll stay up with you."

"No, you can't. You're ill. Go back to bed. I'll be okay," Eric tried his best, but he knew that Alan would not have it.

"Nope. I'm staying up with you. I can sleep when you're at work. Besides, you know how hard it is for me to get back to sleep once I've woken up. Come on, I'll put the kettle on."

Eric suddenly hugged Alan tightly. "Thank you, Alan."


	11. The Letter

Beloved Eric,

If you are reading this, I have passed away. I have a few wishes. They are simple, however, although they may not be easy.

First of all, I do not want an expensive or fancy funeral. Put me in a simple coffin then say a few words. That's all I wish for. Invite only people who knew me, such as Ronald, William and Grell. Do not spend a lot on the burial, either. Simply bury my coffin yourself, and if you cannot bring yourself to do that, have William do it. I trust the both of you. Then simply carve my name into a stone, perhaps a few words and my birth and death date if you wish.

Second of all, do not mourn me for too long. I don't wish for you to forget me, but I do wish that you take care of yourself and be happy. Please. Find a family, a wife or husband, some children. Have a life. The past year of your life has been nothing but work and caring for me, and I resent that. Please. Live. Adopt a cat or something, at least. Make new friends. Do not spend your time thinking about me, what could've been or what should've been. Think about what was, the good times that we shared.

Please, continue your beautiful drawings. Draw happy things, like flowers. Flowers. I remember the first time we worked together. I was trying not to cry after we collected the soul. Then, the beautiful white flower petals flew through the sky. I told you that they meant loneliness. I knew at that moment that we were going to be friends for the rest of our lives. You meant something to me. I've always admired you, Eric.

I was born alone to get close to you. I used to think that I'd die alone, too. But now I know that I will not die alone. I will die next to you, you holding me in your arms. And the last thing I will tell you is that I love you.

-Alan


	12. Watch Over Him (Trigger warning)

**As you may notice, I used no pronouns at all to refer to Grell. That's because I am a firm believer that Grell is a transwoman, but none of the other shinigami have noticed and/or care about her pronouns. I feel like the other shinigami aren't trying to misgender her, they're just ignorant and thinks she's a crossdresser/drag queen or something.**

* * *

Alan knocked on Grell's door. It was early in the cold morning; Eric wasn't awake yet. Grell lazily opened the door, wearing a red nighty under a red bath robe.

"It's like, five in the morning, Alan…"

"Can I talk to you?" Alan's voice was quiet and hoarse.

"Fine. Come on in." Grell let him inside, and they both sat on comfy primary red chairs. "So, what's up?"

"It's Eric."

"What about Eric? Is he okay?"

"No, not really…" Alan struggled to find words. "Grell, I need you to look after him after I die."

"Why?" Grell watched Alan's every move, fidget and breath.

"I think he's suicidal. I'm worried… I'm worried that he'll hurt himself after I'm gone. I need you to look after him every day and every hour," Alan spoke quietly yet intensely as he took Grell's hands in his own. "I need you to practically live with him. He can't be left alone once I'm dead. And watch over him at work, too. Have a trainee watch him if necessary. But he can't be left alone, Grell. I'm telling you, he can't be left alone." Alan was near tears at this point.

Grell nodded softly. "I'll be his older sister. I'll take care of him. He won't leave my sight ever. Can I tell Will about this? That Eric and I must work together?"

"Please do. Anything for Eric."

Grell nodded softly as Alan began to cry silently. Grell reached up and wiped a tear off Alan's cheek. "Shh…"

"I'm trusting you, Grell."

"He's in safe hands. I know what it's like. We all know what it's like. We're shinigami because we used to be humans who killed themselves. All of us shinigami know what it's like to be suicidal. I won't let him hurt himself, Alan. I wish somebody had done the same for me."

Alan hugged Grell tightly. They said nothing. They just hugged and cried and shook until it was five forty-five, and Alan left to slip back into bed, pretend to sleep and act like he had never spoken to Grell.


	13. I Want To Try It (Lemon)

"I want to try it," Alan said matter-of-factly.

Eric ran a hand through his hair. "But... Alan, I've never-"

"I know. But I've done a lot of research and you've taught me from example. I know what I'm doing."

Eric sighed. "Alright. Anything for you."

"Tell me if you want to stop, okay?"

Eric nodded, taking off his tie and jacket. Alan suddenly claimed Eric's lips, loving the feeling of Eric's beard on his chin. It was a feeling that he would never get used to, get bored of or stop loving. He ran his fingers gently across the cornrows at the side of Eric's head, another feeling he would never stop loving. They were so surprisingly soft and delicate, and clearly took time to do, as they were each so uniform.

Eric held Alan's gaunt cheek in one hand, deepening the kiss as they both began to use tongue, their tongues rubbing against each other and dancing, fighting for dominance. Eric allowed Alan to win, just this once.

Alan pinned Eric to the bed, unbuttoning his shirt too slowly for Eric's liking. Once Eric's shirt was open, it gently fell to the bed. Then, Eric shoved the shirt off the bed and onto the floor. Alan grinned. He kissed Eric sweetly on the cheek, then unbuttoning and unzipped Eric's trousers. Eric lifted his hips, allowing for Alan to slip Eric's pants off. Eric slipped out of his socks, blushing as he realized that he was just in his underwear and Alan was still fully clothed. He now realized what Alan meant when he told Eric that he didn't want to be the only one naked.

"Alan..." Eric purred into Alan's ear, causing Alan's face to redden. Alan pulled away so that he could slip out of his socks and remove his jeans. Alan did not take his shirt off, though. That was one thing that always stayed on, no matter what. Alan hated seeing himself so sick and so unlike himself to the point that it was a major turn-off for him. Eric didn't care, however. Alan was always beautiful no matter what.

Alan and Eric both slipped out of their underwear. Almost instantly, Alan gently rubbed at Eric's half-hard cock, causing Eric to let out a small moan. Alan leaned down, and while still rubbing at Eric, he bit one one of Eric's nipples, then licked it as if to apologize.

"Ah... A-Alan..." Eric wasn't a very loud person in bed, unlike Alan. Alan made it a personal goal for himself to get Eric to cry out in pleasure, however.

Once they were both nicely erect, Alan reached for the lubricant, and Eric's heart lurched with nervousness.

"Don't be nervous, Eric. It's not as bad as you think. It hurts a lot at first, but you'll get used to it. It feels really good, okay?"

Eric nodded shakily as Alan gently spread Eric's legs. Alan coated his fingers with lube, then ran a lubricated finger from the base of Eric's erection all the way down until the finger stilled right in front of Eric's entrance.

"Ready, love?" Alan purred.

Eric nodded shakily. "Y-Yeah..."

Alan then very slowly squirmed his finger all the way in. Eric squirmed slightly, but didn't seem distressed, only mildly pained. Alan moved his finger back and forth very slowly, then curled the finger. Eric's brow was furrowed now. Alan then pushed in another finger, causing Eric to whimper softly.

"I'm really sorry, love." Alan kissed Eric's inner thigh as an apology.

"I-It's alright," Eric muttered.

Alan pushed in a third, perhaps a bit too quickly, because Eric cried out in pain.

"Ah! A-Alan..." He whimpered softly afterwards.

Alan felt awful for causing his love pain. "I'm so sorry, Eric. It'll feel better, I promise."

Eric nodded softly, gripping the bed sheets underneath him. Alan stilled his fingers, allowing Eric to adjust a bit. Soon, Eric got curious and moving his hips lightly, telling Alan that he could continue. Alan gently moved his fingers back and forth for a bit, then began curling his fingers and trying to find new angles that Eric liked. He gently rubbed something that made Eric let out a moan.

"Aaah... Alan, there..." Eric's glasses were getting very foggy, so Alan removed them with one hand, setting them on the nightstand. He continued to finger Eric as he removed his own glasses, setting them next to Eric's.

Eric cried out in pleasure when Alan hit that spot again, but this time, with extreme force. "Aaah! A-lan!"

Alan grinned, happy that he had reached his personal goal to make Eric cry out in pleasure. Suddenly, he removed his fingers, and Eric whined softly. Alan chuckled to himself as he spread lubricant on himself, then set himself up in front of Eric's entrance. He looked into Eric's eyes, asking for permission. When Eric nodded, Alan began slowly pushing in.

"Eric..." He hadn't been inside somebody in a while, and if felt amazing. The burning heat, the tightness, the velvety walls... Everything made him realize that this session was probably going to be a short one. Perhaps if Eric were up to it, they could go a second time.

Alan leaned down, gently kissing Eric as he pushed in all the way. They stayed like that for a bit, kissing, their hips still. Alan thought he was going to die if he couldn't move soon, so he pulled away from the kiss gently, then pecked Eric on the cheek. He slowly moved his hips back and forth in large, delibrate motions.

"Nn... Alan..." Eric's face was reddened. He gripped the back of Alan's sweater, shaking with pleasure.

Alan sped up, biting his lip, then moaning loudly. "Aaaah... Eric..."

He sped up quite a bit, reaching down to pump at Eric's erection, causing Eric to grip tighter at Alan's sweater, moaning quite loudly. "Ah! Alan!"

Alan grinned, feeling a sort of masculine pride and strength that he hadn't felt in a while when Eric moaned so loudly for him. "Eric... Eric!"

He hit Eric's prostate over and over again with such strength and power. Eric probably wouldn't want to go for a second round, in fact, Alan hoped that he wouldn't hurt Eric. However, Eric did not seem to mind at all. "Alan! Oh my god... Alan! I love you! Yes, yes, yes!"

Alan slammed in again and again, the sound of flesh hitting flesh filling the room. "Oh, god... Eric! Yes, Eric! Mm, yes!"

"Alan, more! D-Deeper, I need... I need more!"

And Alan gave him more, much more. He pounded in as fast as he could, as hard as he could, still fearing that he may hurt Eric.

"Ah, god dammit, Alan! It's so good!"

"Yes! Oh my god, Eric! Eric... Eric, I love you... Eric! Eric, yes!"

"Alan, I'm...!" Eric couldn't finish his sentence, but he got his point across enough.

"Me too... Eric!"

They both gripped each other for dear life, shaking and crying out as Eric came onto their abdomens and Alan came inside of Eric.

They both panted heavily, looking at each other with huge eyes. Alan slowly pulled out, kissing Eric chastely. "You alright, love?"

"Y-Yeah..."

"You sure?" Alan lay next to Eric.

"Yeah. Hurts a bit."

"It'll hurt worse tomorrow... I was kind of rough."

Eric kissed Alan sweetly. "It doesn't matter. It was worth it. That was amazing, love."

They slowly drifted to sleep, holding eachother in a cloud of warmth, satisfaction and love.


	14. War Against Ourselves (Trigger, Songfic)

**TRiGGER WARNING: Detailed description of self-harm and suicidal ideations.**

 **This is a songfic of the song War Against Ourselves by Joel Faviere.**

* * *

Eric sat at his desk at work, his door closed and locked. He had tears in his eyes and was shaking with desperation. He removed his jacket, then rolled up his right sleeve. There were scars, ranging from week-old to day-old to hours-old scrawled across his wrist and forearm.

 _Another day alone,_

 _Another night_

 _Another knife_

He grabbed his razor he kept in his desk drawer. _His_ razor. He made his first incision, biting his lip with the pain. It was beautiful pain, though, and he didn't care to stop.

 _I guess I'm on my own_

 _The lights are on,_

 _My eyes are closed_

 _And no one understands_

 _The dark I'm dealing with_

 _And all the people in my life are way to blind to see the vice_

It started as pure rage. He remembered the first day he did it. It was frustration, anger, rage, dissappointment, depression and so much more. But as he continued, it became self-hate. The anger at the world had turned inward toward himself. It was anger about the fact that he couldn't do a thing to save Alan. Even if he were to collect one thousand pure souls, Alan would not accept it, and all his work would mean nothing. None the less, he tried.

 _All these scars_

 _All these scars_

 _From the war against ourselves_

As it continued, it became an addiction. No longer did it have much meaning besides that. He slashed his wrist again and again in desperation for something so much more he longed for. But what did he long for? Love? Safety? No. None of that. All he longed for was for Alan to feel loved and safe, not for himself. And all he could do was selfishly wallow in his own depression.

 _All these scars_

 _All these scars_

 _From the war against ourselves_

 _I'm living in hell,_

 _It's what is real_

He wanted to scream. If only he could, but the other shinigami would notice. They'd bang on his locked door, demanding for answers. He wanted to punch something, perhaps destroy the whole room, leaving papers lying in no particular order across the floor. But that too, would cause unwanted questions and he would inevitably have to clean it up himself.

 _Oh, I don't want to go anymore_

 _I know that you're confused_

 _I've been there once_

 _I've been there twice_

 _The third I didn't choose_

 _I guess I'm born to lose_

He now had tears streaming down his face, but he had no idea why. He felt empty inside, emotionless now. Why cry when you don't feel anything? It made no sense to him. Blood dripped from his wrist as he made more incisions. He was running out of room to add more scars, so he rolled up his other sleeve and began to slice and cut more skin.

 _The ones that break you down_

 _They look so cool_

 _That's why I always break the fucking rules_

 _These synchronized wounds_

It pissed him off. Everything did, but this especially. The idea that nobody noticed. He hid it so skillfully from Alan, but not from the others. He once cut in the break room, and nobody tried to stop him or even gave him a pitiful look. Nobody looked at him. They acted like this happened everyday. Just some guy cutting in the breakroom, that's all it was.

 _All these scars_

 _All these scars_

 _From the war against ourselves_

 _The war against ourselves_

He unbuttoned his shirt and undid his tie. He then began slitting his chest with shaky hands. He bit and gnawed at his lip, causing it to bleed. He hoped Alan wouldn't question his wounded lower lip.

 _All these scars_

 _All these scars_

 _From the war against ourselves_

 _I'm living in hell_

 _It's what is real_

He didn't want to live anymore. Something sick and twisted in his brain was gnawing at him with that idea, that he wanted to die. However, the intelligent part of his brain told him that it had to be after Alan died. He couldn't do it while Alan was still alive. That wouldn't be fair to Alan.

 _They break me down_

 _I can't block the sound_

 _So I turn to the one thing_

 _I know will not let me down_

He set down the razor, but no way in hell was he complete. He began savagely pulling at his hair, twisting it, then yanking. He was sure that he looked insane. His eyes were proabably huge, scars across his wrists and chest and yanking his hair out.

 _People don't think to ask what's wrong_

 _I stop and go to the beat_

 _Of the broken flowing blood_

He then opened his door, still pulling at his hair, his shirt still unbuttoned and his tie resting on his neck. His wrists and chest were bleeding and he was shaking. He began walking down the halls, making direct eye contact with the people ignoring him. Some actually looked up from their papers or shoes or whatever they were looking at, but most didn't. Nobody looked sorry for him and nobody stopped him. He figured that if somebody would talk to him, all they'd tell him was that he should button his shirt because it's against uniform.

 _All these scars_

 _All these scars_

 _From the war against myself_

 _I'm a walking hell_

 _I won't starve myself of the dark_

 _Listen to me scream and shout but do not say a word_


	15. Love Will Always Find A Way

It started in Eric's office. Eric sat at his desk filling out paperwork boredly. An hour ago he noticed that his hands were shaking, but he thought nothing of it. Then he felt a sudden warmth fill his body and a sudden feeling of fear.

He was so fearful, in fact, that he couldn't think and could hardly breathe. A panic attack? Why a panic attack? He didn't struggle with anxiety.

He felt tingling through his chest and he felt like screaming. Suddenly, he felt a slow and painful ripping through his chest, and at that point, he couldn't help but let out a sound. He screamed, gripping his chest in agony, as if that would take away the pain. This was no ordinary panic attack.

Eric stood, attempting to stumble to his door to get help, but he ended up falling to the ground because his knees were too weak. He could scream any words, just garbled messes an strings of shouts of agony.

Suddenly, his office door was opened, and there stood Ronald.

"S-Senpai! Oh, god, senpai!"

Eric could no longer see and Ronald's words were somehow transformed from concerned and caring to angry and vicious. "Senpai... Oh, god, senpai. Look at you writhing on the floor. It's rather amusing."

But of course, Ronald was not saying such things. When Ronald reached out and set an arm on Eric's shoulder, Eric punched Ronald in the face very hard out of pure fear.

"Senpai! Eric-senpai, please calm down. It's going to be okay..." Ronald's voice trailed off as if he wasn't sure.

Ronald stood, standing at the doorway. "A doctor! Somebody call a doctor to Eric's office! Something's gone terribly wrong!"

And that was the last thing Eric remembered. He wasn't sure if he passed out due to the pain and fear or if he simply blacked out and had forgotten. But when his memory returned, he was in a hospital bed, still wearing his uniform. His head hurt like hell. In fact, his whole body ached and he felt rather feverish.

There, next to him, was Ronald and Alan. Alan must've been informed of what happened. "Alan..." It was all Eric could muster to say. Alan held Eric's hand.

The doctor walked in, wearing very thick spectacles and a black ponytail. "Ah, good. You're awake. Do you remember what happened?"

"I... I was in a lot of pain. And fear... A lot of fear. I think I punched Ronald. Sorry about that."

"It's okay, senpai."

The doctor nodded a bit. "Mr. Slingby. The disease has mutated. It's now a sexually transmitted disease, as well."

"Thorns of Death?" Eric's eyes went huge. "You're not saying..."

"You have Thorns of Death, Mr. Slingby."

Alan's grip on Eric's hand went tighter. Eric looked over to Alan and Ronald. Ronald looked at Eric and Alan pitifully, and Alan was crying. Eric couldn't believe it and he couldn't take it. "It can't be..."

"I apologize, Mr. Slingby," the doctor said before leaving.

Eric fell into large racking sobs, gripping Alan's hand.

"I... I should get back to work," Ronald spoke quickly before leaving.

"We'll get through this together, Eric. I know they say that there is no cure, but we'll find a way, okay? It's going to be okay," Alan pecked Eric on the cheek. "I love you. And love always finds a way."


	16. Alan's Letter To The Ill

Dear Whoever It May Concern,

This is a letter to anybody and everybody who has felt ill and weak before, whether it be physically or other. Allow me to start by saying that in no world are you alone. You may feel alone, however, but you aren't. I am here for you. There's a whole community, in fact, of people that understand.

Don't let anybody tell you that you are faking this, because that is not the type of person you are. You would never fake an illness. You couldn't stoop that low. In illness, you learn who is on your side and who is not. I for example, have learned that Eric is on my side. Well, I knew that already, didn't I? But I also learned that some are not on my side. Some tell me that I'm making it up or that I'm trying to get attention. Some simply ignore me, not wanting to face the fact that I am indeed dying. You learn who really cares for you and who doesn't.

You start to think a lot when you're sick, too. You do a lot of thinking while you're not at work or school, or while you're lying in bed in too much pain to get up and start the day. You think about things like life and death. You think about the people you don't want to leave behind. You also think about how little you've done with your life, how you could've done so much more. Maybe you think about if you really are going to live or not. Sometimes you don't know. Sometimes you hope for life or death, other times you see the benefits of both, and view either way equally.

Your body begins to change as well. It's like reverse puberty, almost. Any want for making love is gone and your eyes have sunken in and you've grown paler and grayer than usual. Your nails hardly grow and your hair is thinning, if you have any left. You can either see your ribs or your stomach is growing. You either grow fat or thin. Sometimes, but only sometimes, is there a grotesque middle ground where your arms and legs are horrible, but there's a flab of loose skin and fat bunching over your hips. You seem to have permanent dark circles under your eyes that no amount of sleep can get rid of. You don't look like yourself.

Let's not forget how easily you cry, too. If you miss a show you wanted to see or you're hungry or tired, you'll cry all too easily. It will either be small dribbles of tears or large racking sobs. It'll start with once a week, then twice a week, then once a day, then multiple times a day until you're either sleeping or crying.

Your dreams will range from either the happiest things to the darkest of nightmares. Sometimes you'll dream that you're healthy and alive. You'll wake up feeling empty and will probably fall into the large racking sobs that I have mentioned previously. Other times you'll dream that you have died and that your family is crying over your grave. You'll also wake up weeping. It's a lose-lose situation; you'll wake up in tears no matter what.

Oh, and the pain and agony! You'll be in constant pain. Perhaps it's all over body pain, or abdominal pain or perhaps your chest will ache or your head will feel so pressured you wish it would burst simply to put you out of your misery. Perhaps it's emotional agony. It all depends on your specific illness. Either way, it's awful and crippling and you only wish it could end. I mean, what a simple wish. Why can't it just be granted?

The way I'm describing this, it sounds awful. That's because it is. But somehow it will get better. You will be healthy again somehow, whether that be in an afterlife or not. You'll be happy again, and you'll smile with your loved ones, whether that be in an afterlife or not. You'll weep healthily and sweetly and you'll frolick once again, whether that be in an afterlife or not.

It's hell. All of it's hell. But it will be heaven once again. The worst part is knowing that you once were healthy. Why did this have to happen to you of all people? You're a good, innocent person to some degree. But it's all a game of slots. That's what life is.

But keep your head up, please. Allow nature to take it's course, in one way or another. Do not end your life while you still have a chance. No matter what the doctor says, no matter what certain people in your life say, you still have a chance because you're strong and strong people do not back out of things easily. Live on.

Sincerely,

Alan Humphries

* * *

 **As you can probably tell, this is pretty much me talking. I myself have been ill since December 2014, almost a year now. I don't want it to last a whole year. I want to get better soon. I know I will get better one way or another, whether that be soon or not, whether that be in an afterlife or not. I thank all the Erics in my life.**

 **~Grayson**


	17. Diagnosis

Alan and Eric sat in the waiting room of one of the best shinigami doctors in London. Besides the two, the waiting room was empty, for Alan had the first appointment of the day.

"Alan?" a pretty nurse called. Alan and Eric stood, then were lead into a cold doctor's office.

The nurse followed typical procedure; she took vitals and got his medical history. For shinigami, medical history takes quite a long time, considering how long their lives are. The nurse was a kind young woman with thick-framed glasses who often looked pitifully at Alan. Alan found her warm and inviting, but Eric did not.

He doesn't need your pity, he needs your help, thought Eric.

Then the nurse left. Alan and Eric exchanged the usual small talk, like discussing what they thought of the nurse and how cold the room was. Alan felt like crying, but at the same time, he felt hopeful. Perhaps he'd find answers today.

The doctor knocked on the door, then entered. He wore a white doctor's coat that had his last name on the breast pocket: Campbell. He wore very large and thick coke-bottle glasses. He looked rather ridiculous, actually. He shook hands with Alan, then Eric.

"So what are we in for today?" Every doctor asked that every single blessed time. It was a very frustrating introduction, one that made Alan want to scream.

"To go over the lab results of the testing, remember?" Alan said, slightly frustrated, although he didn't have much reason to be.

"Ah, yes." Dr. Campbell nodded. He glanced over his papers for a second. His face suddenly went rigid. "Sir, the blood tests came out positive for Thorns of Death."

Eric and Alan exchanged a terrified glance. It was a disease infamous for being horrendous and incurable.

Alan panicked and tried to speak. At first, nothing came out, but he eventually babbled the next sentence. "S-Sir, surely this can't be correct-"

"Do you doubt the tests?" the doctor asked coldly.

"How accurate are these blood tests typically? I mean…," his voice trailed off.

"I apologize sir. I haven't seen a case of Thorns of Death in a few hundred years. Of course, modern medicine is a miracle… We will try everything we can, Mr. Humphries. But what to start with…"

Alan began crying, trying to hold back. Eric set a hand on Alan's knee, tears finding a way to his eyes, as well.

"We will cure this, sir. We will find a way." That was something every doctor in doubt said. They always tried to be comforting but somehow always failed.

"Let's start you off with… Ah, I don't know. How 'bout this, I'll consult some people, then I'll call you back with a prescription, okay?"

Alan nodded softly. "O-Okay."

As soon as Eric and Alan left, Eric began to aggressively criticize every little thing about the doctor. "He was so… cold! And rude! And… And…" Eric's voice faded as he couldn't help but weep. He tried to stay positive, though, for Alan's sake. "We will find a cure, Alan. You heard what he said. We'll find a cure."

"No, we won't. Nobody's ever lived from this."

"But… Modern medicine has come so far, sweetheart."

"Yes, but this is such a rare disease. Come on, let's go home."

Alan fell asleep in the car and Eric sung any soft song he could come up with all the way until they were home. Eric gently lifted Alan, carrying him to their bed, and setting him down as gently as possible. Tomorrow would look brighter.


	18. Gay (Stephen Lynch songfic Implied sex)

_Here we are, dear old friend_

 _You and I, drunk again_

Alan and Eric sat at home, drinking and laughing. "Eh, Alan, you got a pretty girlfriend or anythin'?"

"No, no."

 _Laughs have been had and tears have been shed_

 _Maybe the whiskey's gone to my head_

"You want a girlfriend?" Eric looked at the other shinigami with an interesting look in his eye, an unreadable one. His glasses were crooked and his hair was messied.

"Well, yeah. But I mean... I don't know. Who would like me?" Alan looked down, his face very red from alcohol.

 _But if I were gay_

 _I would give you my heart_

 _And if I were gay_

 _You'd be my work of art_

Eric put an arm around Alan, suddenly kissing Alan on the cheek, causing Alan to turn bright red. "E-Eric-senpai!"

"There's no need for honorifics. We're more than friends, right?"

"Like... best friends?"

Eric chuckled. _My Alan is so innocent, isn't he?_ Wait... did he just think... _"his Alan?"_

 _And if I were gay_

 _We'd swim in romance_

 _But I'm not gay_

 _So get your hand out of my pants_

"Eric-senpai! What are you doing? Get your hand away from there!" Alan blushed, but part of him really didn't want Eric to pull away. Part of him wanted Eric's hand to go higher than just his inner thigh. He craved to feel Eric touch him so sweetly again, but all too quickly, Eric pulled away.

"Oh... Sorry, I didn't realize that my hand was there."

 _It's not that I don't care, I do_

 _I just don't see myself in you_

"Ah, you're so cute when you blush like that, Alan. I just want to fuck you so hard right now."

"E-Eric!" Alan finally dropped the honorific. "But..."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? Me pinning you to the bed... Or we could go vice versa. You could fuck me. I wouldn't care either way, as long as I can be with you, Alan," Eric grinned, tilting up Alan's chest and kissing at his neck.

"Eric..." Alan couldn't help but moan. Why wasn't he stopping Eric? Perhaps it was because he really did consent... He loved it, and he wanted more.

 _Another time, another scene_

 _I'd be right behind you, if you know what I mean_

"Eric... I want to make love to you." Alan grinned, stroking Eric's hair softly.

"I would love that, Alan. Please do. Please make love to me."

"Of course."

 _'Cause if I were gay_

 _I'd give you my soul_

 _And if I were gay_

 _I'd give you my whole being_

 _And if I were gay_

 _We'd tear down the wall_

"Ah... Alan..." Eric moaned as Alan began to attack Eric's neck with kisses and nibbles instead of the other way around. "Alan, fuck me..."

 _But I'm not gay_

 _So won't you stop cupping my..._

 _Hand_

"Wait..." Alan pulled away. "I... I... I think I'm having second thoughts, Eric. I don't know if I like men. I've never liked another man besides you."

"Perhaps I'm your exception. Does it matter right now? We can work out details later."

Alan nodding, finally just kissing Eric on the lips, tongue fighting and teeth crashing in a messy, sloppy, and awkward kiss.

 _We've never hugged_

 _We've never kissed_

 _I've never been intimate with your fist_

 _But you have opened brand new doors_

 _Get over here and drop your drawers_

* * *

Alan woke up with a hangover to the sound of Eric vomiting in the toilet... and being nude... and in Eric's bed. What the hell happened last night? Alan stood, putting his glasses and boxers on and stumbling the bathroom, setting a hand on Eric's back. Eric was wearing a t-shirt and his boxer briefs and no glasses.

"Shh, Eric... It's okay. I love you, okay?"

 _But you have opened brand new doors_

* * *

 **I'm not really sure where I was going with this one, in all honesty. It started out as a joke, then it got kind of... weird. Like, I knew they were going to have sex, but then it got kind of like... less jokey?**

 **I don't know. So, update on my illness: We think I have diabetes. That's it. Diabetes. How simple of an answer would that be? I get that diabetes is not easy, but... I would live. It almost seems too easy though, too simple, too... lucky, almost. You know? Like, I could have brain cancer or something... but no. Diabetes. Now, that's not a permanent diagnosis; it's not a diagnosis at all. It's just a theory. I need to do further testing.**

 **Alright, please review and pray for me, if you are religious. If not, just hope for me. Thanks!**

 **~Grayson**


	19. Incurable

Everything had been going great. Alan had been cured, in fact. Both Eric and Alan had cried with joy when they had heard the news. Alan laughed with bliss and Eric simply sobbed. It had been wonderful. Alan had gone back to work, in fact. He had defied what everybody thought was going to happen. There was a huge party held at the office, and another at Eric's house. Nobody got drunk at these parties, for they wanted to respect and honor Alan for surviving a disease nobody thought was survivable.

Alan sat at his desk, contently filling out paperwork. He looked down, noticing that his hand was shaking. It was odd. He tried to think of any reasons why his hand was shaking. Maybe he had been writing too much. That had to have been it.

Anxiety filled his chest. He had to have been having a panic attack. That was it. Shaking, anxiety, chills... It all lined up to a panic attack.

Suddenly, a piercing pain ran through his chest, one he thought he'd never have again. He suddenly knew what was happening for sure. It had happened many times before, and he was no stranger to the pain it brought. He gulped and gasped as the pain increased and he gripped at his chest.

"Eric! Eric, come here!"

Within a minute or so, Eric had burst through the door, watching Alan scream in pain with fearful eyes. "Alan... Oh, Alan. No, no, no. It can't be."

"Eric, help!"

That was something Alan often cried out, but Eric couldn't do a thing. It broke Eric's heart to hear his best friend scream and sob helplessly.

Eric sat next to Alan, holding him and petting his hair as he sobbed. Eventually, the attack died down, leaving Alan gulping for air and crying.

"Alan..." Eric felt a hot tear drip down his own face. "No... No, I thought..."

"We were wrong, Eric. I'm not cured. It's all back to the way it used to be now."

* * *

 **So basically here's the story: I was diagnosed with insulin resistance and IC. For a while I was on medication and feeling great! But now... I have another UTI. I am sick yet again, proving that my medication has not been doing a whole lot. So I wrote this.**

 **-Grayson**


	20. My Immortal (Trigger warning, Songfic)

Eric knocked on Grell's door, tears and desperation in his eyes, yet a feeling of emptiness. It was as if he had become so overwhelmed he had become... empty. He felt so empty and so full, he couldn't decide if he wanted to scream, lie on his side silently or sleep and never wake up. When Grell didn't open to door right away, he knocked again. Nothing. He began pounding his fists into the door.

Quickly, the door opened to reveal Grell in sexy red lingerie. "Listen, I was just about to have sex with-" She paused suddenly. "Eric... Eric, don't tell me."

 _I'm so tired of being here_

 _Suppressed by all of my childish fears_

"Grell, I'm really really sorry to interrupt but something awful has happened."

"Come in, Eric. It's cold outside. You'll get sick if you cry out in the cold."

Grell ushered him in quickly, telling him to sit down while she grabbed her red robe on the couch and put it on.

A man came down the stairs wearing a white button-up and trousers. It was Mr. Spears.

"Mr. Slingby, I can explain, we weren't-"

"Shut up, Will," Grell spoke quickly. "Can't you see Eric is crying?"

After a long silence only filled with Eric's soft sobs, Eric spoke. "Alan passed away an hour ago in the hospital."

Grell nodded, as if she was expecting it. Tears filled her eyes. William just stared, and muttered something about putting the kettle on, and went into the kitchen.

 _And if you have to leave_

 _I wish you would just leave_

 _'Cause your presence still lingers here_

 _And it won't leave me alone_

Days later, a similar situation happened. Eric stood, pounding at Grell's door. She opened the door, wearing red pajama pants and a black t-shirt. In the background was William, dressed in uniform and sipping tea. Grell looked like a mess, but it was clear Eric was more of a mess. His beard had grown longer and become rather untrimmed and there was stubble where there wasn't originally. His lips were chapped and he had even darker circles under his eyes. Only this time, he wasn't crying. He just stared.

 _These wounds won't seem to heal_

 _This pain is much too real_

So she told him to wait. The pain may never fully subside, but it would get better.

So he did. He patiently waited, but months later, at four in the morning, he came knocking on her door yet again.

She answered, wearing red pajama shorts and a black tank-top.

"Eric... It's really late. I'm not wearing makeup."

"You think I care if you're wearing makeup?"

"Come in, it's too hot for you to be out here. Are you feeling well?"

 _There's just too much that time cannot erase_

"I can't take it anymore, Grell! I can't take it being without him. I miss him so much. I am nothing without him." Eric sobbed as she led him inside and sat him down.

"But you are so much more than that. You are amazing."

"Where's William, anyway? Hasn't he been at your side for years?"

"We broke up a month ago, Eric. Remember me telling you this?"

Eric shook his head. "No."

"You poor thing. You can hardly remember anything. Are you not sleeping well?"

 _When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears_

 _When you screamed, I'd fight away all of your fears_

 _I held your hand through all of these years_

 _But you still have all of me_

"No. I can't sleep without him in my bed without me." He paused, thinking. "Grell, do you think shinigami go to heaven?"

"Eric..."

"Because if they can, he did. And it's a shame, because I'll go to hell and never see him again."

Grell put an hand on Eric's knee. "Eric. Give it time. You'll feel better."

So he waited more.

 _You used to captivate me by your resonating light_

 _Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind_

 _Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

 _Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me_

Years later, he broke down at work. Everything seemed usual that day. Ronald flirted with women at General Affairs, Grell did her work and was rather obnoxious about it and Eric... he said nothing and barely worked; the way it had been for years. Of course, William, he didn't blame Eric. He sometimes got frustrated and told Eric that he needed to step it up, but he was never too harsh on the poor man.

Eric was walking down the hall with Grell, when he suddenly threw all the paper work in his hands across the floor, causing a scene. Grell tried to calm him, but he punched a wall.

"Eric, calm down. Please, tell me what's wrong."

"His face haunts me! Everywhere I go, I see him! I hear his voice!"

 _These wounds won't seem to heal_

 _This pain is much too real_

 _There's just too much that time cannot erase_

"Eric..." She spoke softly as Eric continued to punch things. "You'll break you hand! Somebody, call a doctor! Eric's gone mad!"

"I have to... I have to..." Eric suddenly began laughing. It wasn't a pure, genuine laugh, but an insane laugh. "What a fool I was, what I fool I was!"

"Eric, what are you talking about!? Please, calm down! I'm begging you!"

 _When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears_

 _When you screamed, I'd fight away all of your fears_

 _And I held your hand through all of these years_

 _But you still have all of me_

"I've called a doctor!" one shinigami cried out.

Another shouted. "Get that man in an asylum!"

"What an uncivilized creature!"

"Call security!" one with a shrill voice replied.

"How foolish!"

"Don't you see he's ill, you bastards!?" Grell shouted. "His partner died!"

The hallway went wild, no longer becoming an organized business but instead, a mob.

"Yeah, years ago! Get over it!"

Eric began cackling. "You'll see... You'll all see when I'm dead how wrong all of you were!"

 _I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

 _But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along_

Everything shut up when William pushed his way through the crowd. "Everybody, back to work, or you're all fired, understand!? Not you, Grell. Or Eric, of course."

The crowd grumbled and continued on their business, organizing their papers and continuing to walk to wherever they were going.

Two shinigami doctors entered, both strong looking men. "Sir, can you come with us?"

"No! Why the hell would I, I'm not stupid! I know you'll stop me, I know it!" Now Eric's face had a look of pure rage.

 _You cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears_

They grabbed Eric, beginning to forcefully move him and practically drag him away. Eric tried to punch them, thrashing and shouting.

 _You screamed, I'd fight away all of your fears_

 _I held your hand through all of these years_

"You'll see when I'm dead! You'll all see! You'll all see, you arses!" And he began cackling again.

 _I held your hand through all of these years_

"That poor man!" Grell began to cry.

"I know. Alan's death drove him to insanity."

 _But you still have all of me_


	21. Danny Boy

**This is a short oneshot about Alan being FTM trans. Now, I know it's not a popular headcanon, and I don't really believe it or anything but I think it's nice to think how the story would be different if he was trans. So here.**

 **-Alfie**

* * *

Alan had asked Eric to come over to work at six, but, Eric being Eric, he was late. Eric and Alan had been the best of buddies for a while, so Eric had Alan's key. Eric also had Alan's key for emergency situations, because of how ill Alan was.

Eric was so late, in fact, that he was about an hour and a half late. He figured he'd come in anyway. He was right about to open the door when he heard a woman singing in Alan's house.

 _Alan has a lady friend over? Why, I guess I never thought he'd ever date... especially not a woman. I mean, I know it's not nice to assume but I see the way he checks out Ronald sometimes._

As Eric continued to listen, he realized the woman's voice was similar to Alan's. Eric had no idea Alan had a sister!

He recognized the tune instantly, as well. Danny Boy, an English classic. Eric slowly opened the door, as quietly as possible. He tip-toed to Alan's piano room, and what he saw... What he saw he could hardly explain. It was Alan. Alan was sitting at the piano, with sheet music in front of him, singing Danny Boy in a beautiful... soprano. To top it all off, Alan didn't look like he usually did. He... He had breasts! Large ones, too. And he wore a nightgown. A woman's nightgown.

As he looked even further and away from Alan's breasts, he realized the beauty and emotion that Alan sung with. Alan was even crying. Sure, he was a sensitive... person, but crying!

 _Why is he crying? It's such a simple song._

But then, Eric thought beyond the surface yet again. Alan was dying, everybody knew that. The song was about an old woman saying goodbye to a young man, probably her son or grandson, because she was dying.

Suddenly, in the matter of seconds, their entire relationship changed when Alan noticed Eric standing there. The music stopped instantly and Alan stood and instantly began crying further. "Senpai! What are... What...?"

"You told me to come over, Alan."

"I thought you wouldn't. You're so late!" Alan wiped his tears away quickly, trying his best to look dignified.

"Alan, you have breasts."

"Thanks, I didn't know that," Alan sighed. "I can explain."

There was a long pause before Eric spoke. "Then do so."

"Alright... Eric, I... I was born a girl, as you can see and hear in my voice. I try not to speak in front of people often, and when I do, I speak lower than my natural voice. But I'm not a girl, Eric, and you must understand that. I am still a man."

"It all makes sense! Your shortness, your high voice ...Except for one thing. How did you get into a men's reaper department?"

"Mr. Spears doesn't know," Alan put simply.

"But Alan. We all went through physicals before work. Surely, somebody found this out!"

"Of course. But the doctor... She had a sister that was like me, but opposite. The doctor understood. She wrote me down as male. But Eric, you can't tell anybody, I'd be put into a woman's department. You know the hatred people like Grell and I get, that's why she's in a men's department. She just doesn't seem to care as much as I do." Alan sighed, walking closer toward Eric. "Please, Eric."

"I won't tell anybody, Alan. I'm just really confused right now. So what's down there?"

"Not exactly your business, I think," Alan responded quickly.

"Fair enough." Eric shrugged. "Look at you, man. You're still crying. Why?"

Alan felt even more tears down his cheeks. He could hardly breath. "Because you know, and it's so embarrassing and really personal and you were never supposed to know!"

"Does anybody else know?" Eric put a hand on Alan's shoulder.

"Just you, me, and that doctor."

Eric held Alan tightly, similar to how he did when Alan was having an attack. It was the only thing he could think of to do. "I'm no therapist... but I think the real reason you're crying is because somebody finally knows, and it feels good, but you're confused on why it does. You can't bottle up such huge secrets like this, Alan. Somebody needs to support you sometimes. Just like I support you with your illness, I will support you with...this. Neither I know too much about, but I'm still here."

Alan nodded shakily. "You won't view me as some dainty woman, will you? Or a tomboy? You'll view me as a true and honest man, won't you?"

"I always have. If you want me to continue, then I will," Eric shrugged.

Alan nodded thankfully. "I do want you to continue."

"Then I will, Alan."


	22. My Everything (Lemon)

Eric smiled at his lover, who was pinned against the wall under him. They had never had sex before, as they had just begun dating about a month or two ago. Eric leaned down, kissing Alan passionately.

Alan pulled Eric in to deepen the kiss. Their mouths opened and their tongues began to dance with each other. Eric put his hands on Alan's hips and Alan grabbed Eric's silky blonde hair; the hair he had always longed to touch but never got a chance to.

Eric suddenly pinned Alan to the wall. "Do you want this, Alan?"

"Yes, I do." Alan smiled. "Go ahead. I want this."

Eric didn't have to be told twice. He began kissing Alan's neck fiercely. Alan groaned a bit, still running his hands through the soft blonde hair, then running his fingers over the braided hair.

"We... We should take this to the bedroom, Eric." When Eric continued to kiss at Alan's neck, Alan gently tugged at Eric's hair. "Come on..."

Eric finally pulled away, looking at Alan with love and lust. He nodded. Alan led him to the bedroom, and as soon as they got there, Eric pinned Alan to the bed.

"Can I leave a mark on your neck, Alan?" Eric grinned, showering Alan with loving kisses.

"Yes, but make sure I can cover it with my uniform."

Eric beamed when he heard that, so he began nibbling and biting at Alan's collarbone until he left a red mark.

Alan smiled, moaning a bit. "Eric, do you have a condom?" When Eric nodded, Alan began to wonder. "Why? Did you anticipate this?"

"No. I had no idea this would happen tonight. I just always carry a few with me."

Alan tugged at Eric's tie, causing them to touch noses. "Off with your clothes, Eric. But keep the tie on."

Eric grinned, sitting up to straddle Alan and removed his shirt, revealing a slightly chubby body. Alan grinned, sitting up as well to kiss Eric's chest. "You're so handsome, Eric."

"For real? I always thought I was kind of fat."

"Who says fat isn't handsome, Eric?" Alan smiled sweetly.

Eric smiled, feeling a bit of warm tears rush to his eyes. Alan was about to say something before Eric suddenly kissed him passionately. "Alan, you're so handsome and beautiful and sexy and kind and perfect. This seems surreal, that I can be at your side, that I can even be with you in a way like this. You are the light of my life. I don't know what I'll do without you."

"Don't think about that right now, Eric. Please. Think about now. That won't happen now, so you don't have to worry about it now. Alright?"

Eric nodded shakily as they kissed again. Alan pulled away to remove his glasses and set them on the nightstand, and Eric followed suit. Their eyes met, and Alan smiled softly. "I love you, Eric. I always will. We were born to be together. It's obvious, don't you see?"

"Alan... You are so amazing." Eric breathed out as Alan began unbuttoning his trousers. Alan began rubbing at Eric's half-hard satisfaction through his underwear, causing Eric to grow harder. "Mm... A-Alan..."

Alan smiled, pulling down Eric's pants and underwear enough to reveal Eric's erection. Alan moved lower, taking it into his mouth, causing Eric to let out a sigh. Alan looked up at Eric's piercing green eyes and began to bob his head slowly, causing Eric to bite his lip. Alan began going faster, causing Eric to moan and grunt every once in a while. As Alan sped up faster and faster, it became unbearable to Eric. "A-Alan!" Eric gulped as he gripped Alan's hair and pulled him away, using all his self control not to climax to the point where he was trembling. "Alan, let's not end the night so quickly, alright?"

Alan nodded, and Eric pinned him to the bed once again. "Alan, I love you. I will always, always love you. No matter what. I will never be with anybody else ever again. Because this is what making love is, and...and nothing can be quite like it is with you." Eric spoke quietly and he rolled the condom on.

"Eric..." Alan felt tears in his eyes.

"Don't cry, love. Don't cry...," Eric helped Alan out of his trousers and underwear, leaving the clothing on on Alan's top half. He gently spread Alan's legs.

"I love you so much, Eric. You have protected me while others have pretended I don't exist. You are my everything."

Eric sucked on his fingers, then gently pushed one in. "Alan... I don't know what I could ever do without you. I am nothing without you."

"You know that's not true, Eric. You are so much more than just me." He winced a bit as he spoke.

"I'm sorry, love. Does it hurt?"

"No. It just feels odd."

"It will feel good. I promise, Alan." He smiled, pushing in another finger. "You are my everything."

Alan furrowed his brow in slight pain. "I'm sorry, love," Eric repeated. He began wiggling his fingers, scissoring them and rubbing.

"Ah, Eric..."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"N-No... It's okay."

Eric nodded a bit and pushed in a third finger. Alan hissed in pain. Eric felt awful because not only was his lover in pain, but he was causing the pain.

After a bit of painful preparation, Eric pulled his fingers out, kissing Alan on the cheek. He then slowly began to push in. Eric felt more tears spring to his eyes as he thought of a life without the wonderful man beneath him.

"Don't cry, Eric. Please don't."

"I will not survive without you."

Alan began to cry, now. "Yes, you will. You'll have a new life without me."

Alan kissed Eric softly, feeling tears run down his face.

Eric couldn't do it. He just couldn't. He pulled out, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Alan, I can't. Not right now. I can't... I can't. I'm so sorry."

Alan nodded. "I understand."

Eric removed his tie and put his underwear back on as Alan pulled his own underwear back on. Eric tried not to break out into full-on sobs.

"I'll be so alone without you, you know that. I won't... I can't... I can't live without you."

"Yes, you can," Alan urged. "You can do this, Eric. You'll find some more friends and eventually somebody new to love. You'll have children, too, I know you will. I know you will, Eric. Who was the man who lived through years of bullying and abuse?"

"Not me, surely. I killed myself and became a shinigami, just like every other shinigami." Eric sighed. "You shouldn't be the one comforting me, it should be the other way around."

"But I've already accepted my fate. Now I have to make sure you'll be okay."


	23. Red, Pink and White

"You say you see me like a bundle of ericas. White with pink tips, beautiful and pure. I cannot comprehend what you mean. I see myself more like poison ivy, thought of as an unwelcome weed. Please, you must understand that my fingertips are stained ruby that no amount of affirmations can remove. I, the poison ivy, do not deserve to stand by the side of a beautiful rose. Poison ivy will only swallow up a rose, as it is a weed, and no longer allow the rose to drink in the sunlight or rain. Please, pull me from the soil by the roots and no longer allow me to drain you from what you need most!"

"You don't believe my love for you. How could you, though? I don't believe it myself. What started as pure white, virgin, was dipped in crimson blood 'til the ends were frayed and holed. You are red as I am white and our love is pink. Your red and our pink is beginning to drip, drip, drip, however, until my white is, like yours, stained red with sin. Soon, I will become red, just for loving you."

* * *

 **So these were just two short monologues. The first is Eric's and the second is Alan's. I wanted some angst that's not sickness related, you know? So I made this! Enjoy!**


End file.
